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Troubled Relationships: Where Do You Start?

If you are in a relationship that is troubled, start by asking a few questions of yourself before you begin to scrutinize the other person:

• What is the gap between my expectations and reality?
• Can these be reconciled within myself?
• How can I address this in a practical way without retreating into an ongoing state of disappointment, frustration, and/or resentment?

Once you have answered these questions satisfactorily ask, "Am I willing to discuss it with the other person in the relationship at this time?"

If the answer is "yes", ask "How can I present this in a non-judgmental non-threatening way?"

As soon as we make one person right and the other one wrong, the problem becomes worse, not better.

If the answer is "no" can you look within and search for the most honest reason why? For example:

• Fear of having to face the changes this may bring
• Fear of the other person's response, such as anger, withdrawal, blame, etc.
• Ambivalence about embracing a higher level of functioning
• Fear of the relationship ending
• Fear of being alone
• Historical "shoulds", e.g. "We didn't talk about these things in my family"

Any time we choose change and the possibilities it opens up we will experience anxiety, so don't let yourself be thrown by doubts and feelings of uncertainty; they herald higher functioning living.

In relationships, our ego is especially fragile. The truth is, we don't lose our power by letting ourselves feel vulnerable with another person. We gain tremendous authentic power from moving out of ego-centeredness and into heart-centeredness. This is simply because the personality self alone carries no real power – it's all a bluff. The attraction we feel to a person like the Dalai Lama is rooted in the centeredness and peace that emanates from their heart (which is Spirit's center) – not any authoritative posturing from the level of their personality. They are open, transparent, and childlike. That kind of vulnerable defenseless stance is the opposite of weak. It tends to open the heart of all who come near, so that they in turn lay down their defenses.

This is where you want to be for relationship success: Both of you coming together without the masks of pretense, willing to say, "I don't know what I'm doing, but I am willing to try on some different attitudes and behaviors if you'll support me without judgment."

If you can both start from that position your troubles will sort themselves out. A word of caution – if allowing your vulnerable areas to show themselves in a relationship is new for you, be very discerning. Take a close look at the person with whom you decide to "get real." Not everyone is ready or even interested in letting you see who they really are, and they may not be crazy about discovering the real you. Go slow and see if they reciprocate. If they don't, you may need to reassess your expectations.