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Some Defining Characteristics of Successful Relationships

I want to share with you some of the defining characteristics of both successful and troubled relationships, or as I've labeled them, "heart-centered" and "drama-centered." Most of us attract relationships which contain a mix of behaviors from both lists. Also, the behaviors described in these lists fall at either end of a spectrum of attributes with the "heart-centered" list representing the ideal. There is a whole host of personal experience falling somewhere in between.

If you notice that your present experience falls near the "drama-centered" end of the spectrum in most areas, I suspect you are either searching for a new way or are enamored of the melodrama. Millions are.

Lets face it – ours is a culture that equates the drama inherent in revenge, jealousy, lying, greed, rage, and infidelity with glamour. It's everywhere: movies, TV, music, and advertising. This is so pervasive that lots of us see melodrama-free relationships as boring. It's a trap we've created.

I knew a 48-year-old thrice-divorced and still beautiful woman who was so energized by her own anger that when I suggested tactfully that it might be useful to look at her own role in the latest breakup, she snorted, "It's not ABOUT me. HE'S the one with the problem!" "There's really nowhere I can go with that," I thought, nodding slowly while picking resignedly at the lint on my chair. This was a person who wore her self-righteousness with pride of ownership, as if to say "I'm right, and I have ten people who will stand behind me and testify to that fact." The question is, what if you get to eighty and can still prove you're "right," but your last viable relationship fell apart long ago?

Heart-Centered	Drama-Centered
Main focus: exploring possibilities of the present	Main focus: recycling issues of the past
Harmony rules	Frequent discord
Stability	Built on shifting sands
Both open about their own foibles	General air of defensiveness
Mutual respect; support	Lack of respect; invalidation, belittlement
Acceptance; "I" messages prevail	Criticism; "You" messages prevail
Equal footing; placing the good of relationship over the need to feel vindicated	Power struggles; the need to be right
Responsibility for one's words and actions	The need to blame the other
Genuinely interested in hearing the other out	Unwilling to listen attentively for long
Emotional integrity	Emotional dishonesty
Tranquility reigns due to gentle sharing of frustrations when they first occur	Undercurrent of frustration, repressed anger, possible blow-ups
Trust: mutual and implicit	Suspicion implicit: trust must be "earned"
Silence: frequent and comfortable	Silence: often fraught with tension; avoided when possible

I can assure you that no matter where you feel you are on this spectrum, happiness is not just for others who have somehow found the key. We all want to create great relationships. The first problem is that we insist on bending and twisting each new relationship into the shape of the old Operating Instructions handed down by our parents, teachers, and other adults. That doesn't work because it's backwards. What is required is that we revisit our old habits and beliefs and update them to fit the ever-changing needs of our relationships.

This introduces the second hurdle: most of us just don't want to look within and accept responsibility for our actions. If you dissent, ask yourself, "When is the last time I got angry with someone and took full responsibility for my actions? For my words? For my role in creating the situation to begin with?" If you did, that's wonderful. You are creating a lifetime of sustainable relationships. If you had to reply in the negative, don't beat yourself up – you're in the majority.

Most of us either suspect that what is required of us involves a level of emotional honesty and transparency that we may not be prepared to dig into, much less offer, OR we don't see ourselves with enough clarity to realize that we might be a big part of any "problem" that erupts.

As in all things, those of us who are able to say "I don't know how to do this" or even "I give up" are infinitely better off than those among us who believe, "I know what I'm doing here – I'm not the problem." It's just so much easier to transform our life when we can first admit we may not know what we're doing. The leap from there doesn't feel as intimidating because we don't have as much to let go of first.

I know; I was in the defensive, "I'm in control" category until I hit 40. I was so unhappy in every area of my life by then that down there at the bottom I finally had nowhere else to look but at my own navel. I found myself thinking something which at that point was entirely out of character: "I wonder if I have anything to do with how lousy my life feels?" Without realizing it, I had uttered the magic words, and as I gave myself permission to take some tentative steps on that road of inner inquiry, more and more old, dysfunctional beliefs came to light for my re-evaluation. Walls fell, and behind them was not some ugly troll that I had always feared would cause people to flee in horror. Not at all. Instead, there gradually emerged a gentle, lovable and worthy being whose emotional pain early in life had caused her (I learned along the way) to close up and protect herself by keeping real intimacy at arm's length.

We are all that lovable, worthy, even great being, because at the level of true self All is One. That is the greatest truth of Spirit.

Anything in this article that brings up feelings of discomfort or anxious thoughts is your cue to take a closer look within. The guidance I provide at The Soul Garage is geared to assist you in that effort.

A final thought: It is quite possible that many of you will not recognize yourself on these pages even if you are here. We tend to deny and not take responsibility for our own dysfunctional behavior until something in us says, "Okay – it's time." You may think, "That's not me," as did Mr. Gale, a client of mine who was initially in denial about his role in the ending of a relationship. It took him a while, but in time he saw how his attitudes and actions had contributed to the breakup. My hope for each of you is that your experience will bring you the clarity and acceptance he found. This requires only the willingness to place whatever truth you may uncover above any need to either preserve the past in amber or feel certain of the "right"-ness of your stance.