Relationship Tools
Whether your goal right now is to reduce stress, focus on personal growth, or make new discoveries about your life, there is one common theme we all share – we want to have successful relationships. Here at The Soul Garage you'll find proven and practical relationship tools with which to build high functioning, mutually rewarding partnerships, personal and professional.
"Some Defining Characteristics of Successful Relationships"
I want to share with you some of the defining characteristics of both successful and troubled relationships, or as I've labeled them, "heart-centered" and "drama-centered." You may be enamored of the melodrama. Millions are. Let's face it – ours is a culture that equates the drama inherent in revenge, greed, infidelity, jealousy, lying, and rage with glamour. It's everywhere: movies, TV, music, and advertising. This is so pervasive that lots of us see melodrama-free relationships as boring. It's a trap we've created.
The single most important decision we can make to ensure the long-term health of any relationship is: "I choose to respect unconditionally any and all opinions and choices made by the other party on a daily basis, regardless of whether or not I agree with or understand them." The minute we begin to mock, invalidate, or criticize, a process of erosion begins which will become irreversible at some point.
Today walk through your day playing the role of a magnificent god or goddess of love. In this role, your only purpose is to bring acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding to every person you encounter. How do you feel at the end of the day?
Notice how often you choose to respond to someone today based on your past experience of them. How might you respond differently without the baggage of the past? What if now was all there is?
"Troubled Relationships: Where Do You Start?"
If you are in a relationship that is troubled, start by asking a few questions of yourself before you begin to scrutinize the other person:
- What is the gap between my expectations and reality?
- Can these be reconciled within myself?
- How can I address this in a practical way without retreating into an ongoing state of disappointment, frustration, and/or resentment?
Once you have answered these questions satisfactorily ask, "Am I willing to discuss it with the other person in the relationship at this time?"
Any time we choose change and the possibilities it opens up we will experience anxiety, so don't let yourself be thrown by doubts and feelings of uncertainty; they herald higher functioning living.
Do you voice any frustrations you may feel when they first occur, or do you stockpile them? In what tone of voice do you share your complaints? We teach others how to treat us by our level of respect for them.
Does one of you seem to need to be right more than anything? Does the need to feel vindicated trump the good of the relationship? Are you both willing to allow one of you to be "Top Dog?" And if not?
"A Relationship Barometer: Seven Indicators"
- Are my needs being met? (If I'm not sure, do I need to look a little closer at myself to discover what my needs really are?)
- Does this person make me feel good about myself /Do I like who I am around them?
- Does this relationship reflect my possibilities or my limitations?
- How much fun am I having in this relationship?
- How often do I get the message that I'm not quite right or there is something wrong with me from this person? (Or do I feel something needs changing in them?)
- How much sacrifice is involved and how often? Does it feel different from compromise?
- How big a role does blame or shaming play in this relationship – for either party?
Go through your day pretending that everyone you meet is a wise being with a particular lesson for you, even when it seems negative. What did you learn?
Notice the thoughts you have whenever you feel upset, angry, or pressured today. Try to find a different way to see the situation by framing it in terms of its lessons or possible cues for you. This may involve forgiveness of yourself and/or others. Ask, "How much forgiveness am I willing to allow today?"
"All About The Toxic Energy of Judgment"
As long as we choose to judge what other people say or do or look like, we will remain separate from the very quality of life we seek.
Seen from another angle, the energy of judgment is that of contraction, while accepting and allowing carry the expansive energy of the heart. I am the one who will suffer in terms of my sense of well-being every time I choose to label someone (or something) in a negative way.
Judgment is a boomerang that can't be ducked, Eventually we may even pay for our contracting choices with our health.
Ask, "Who am I judging today?" Remember, we drain ourselves of energy every time we judge. Can you find another way to see that person – one that results in a more neutral response?
Walk through your day as if every situation is bringing you exactly what you need. Did this affect your subjective experience ("I had a bad day," "I had a good day," etc.)?
Ask, "What did I do today that I told myself I wouldn't?" Guilt isn't allowed here. Take responsibility, commit to a new choice, then let it go. As soon as we judge ourselves we get stuck and can't move on. Have you met the person who says, "I'm awful – I'm so selfish" but they never change? We can become so identified with poorly functioning behavior that we lose sight of the other options available to us.